TOP TEN THINGS A PILOT SHOULD NEVER SAY DURING A FLIGHT
Posted by Tension H. Ache on Thursday, May 27, 2010
Under: SHIT THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH MADE ME CRY
Well, as you know. Your favorite Revolutionary's favorite DJ is a jet setter. My passport is stamped up like a 2 bit..well you know. What I'm saying is that Uncle Sam has tracked my movements all over the world.
And I usually tell you all about the trips...Except China. What happens in Shanghai..Stays in Shanghai. But besides that I'm open. But i never tell you about the actual flight.
If you fly, you know that a little bit of Turbulence (shaking) is gonna happen. And you pretty much get used to it. But every 8 years or so, I have an experience that leaves me fearing for my life. Right now I'm on a plane. typing cuz i'm scared as shit. And if you know me? dont nothing scare me except for Menegitis and what I would do to the fool that messed with me. But this time is different. We have been delayed for two hours.. on the ground... The captain is Compulsively Honest. And its bad for my nerves.
So I give you:
Ten things a PILOT shouldn't be saying.
10.* We are currently at terror alert Orange.
Now I know that we are constantly hearing shit about Al Jada or who ever, but do you really feel the need to remind me of that shit ON the plane? Yes, We get it. Everybody hates Chris. But damned if I need to be reminded that 95% of the world wants 100% of America Dead today.
Now I'm here noticing shit I really don't care to notice. Like people conspicuously sweating as they are praying over their Holy Quran or Bible.
9.* We are just waiting for the Clean Bill Of Health
From who? Dr. Bombay? The Roter Rooter man? Just how accurate is this clean bill of health? Isnt this a little like taking off all of your clothes, sticking it in just a little and saying 'i'm waiting for my STD results...it should be good though." He said it takes ten minutes. Hell, the rapid test for HIV takes longer than that. PLEASE don't tell me the dude who signs the clean bill of health is anyting like my Cousin Cleophus who took a six month course and is now licensed to navigate Unidentified Flying Objects .
8.* Use the bathroom now because when we take off, it will be too dangerous
Fucker what? that makes me wanna shit right now! Now what exactly is the dangerous part? Walking down the aisle, or using the facilities? Will the toilet Flush UP or something? I dont need to hear the words "take off" and "dangerous" at the same time. Shit. There goes my bladder.
7. We are in the storm capital of the country. As soon as lightening strikes they shut the airport down.
So let's hurry up and board
* The storm WHAT? And what the fuck u mean hurry up? Are we trying to run a fast one by the Control Tower or The FAA? Either way, something aint right
6. The people we sent to look for the computer aren't answering back
* Wait. So the muthafunnies who you sent to the store room or lost and found or whatever to find a spare computer ain't answering their BBM's? What do you mean they dont have BlackBerry's? nah man. I dont wanna hear nothing about a Go Phone. Plus... Do you even trust what them fools have to say once they DO show up? "Umm yea, THIS one is good"
5. We are having electrical failure
* Too much Information.
4. We are trying to beat the weather system (storm) to the west - if we do, we'll be fine.
* Great. White man tryin to beat Nature is like a Black Man trying to beat the system. Just when you get close? It's not happening. You're going down. Just ask the Prez. And did he just say IF we beat the weather system. So, you're not even SURE? and this motherfucker trying to beat a storm...a motherfucking storm. Who are you man? Magneto? this aint X-Men man! This is my LIFE!
3. We are going to try to look for a new computer and then SWAP it out.
* I hear SWAP? I'm thinking 2 things. Swinger's party and sloppy rush job...and I don't see any progressive couples on here. Except for this indian girl and dreadlocked guy sitting in the row opposite of me. They look progressive, but I doubt they are going to be swapping right now. Thusly, hearing that the computer will be Swapped worries me
2. We have a vested interest in this - We don't get paid until we leave the ground.
* Ohhh. So THAT's why you dont mind taking off with a broken down plane. So u dont care about the safety of the lives hanging in balance hunh? Its your little 19.5k that you're worried about. You just wanna get the plane into the next city so you can bang Flight Attendant Frieda don't you? Gee, thanks Captain Bob. Fuck You!
1. Right now, You know as much as we do
Holy shit.
And I usually tell you all about the trips...Except China. What happens in Shanghai..Stays in Shanghai. But besides that I'm open. But i never tell you about the actual flight.
If you fly, you know that a little bit of Turbulence (shaking) is gonna happen. And you pretty much get used to it. But every 8 years or so, I have an experience that leaves me fearing for my life. Right now I'm on a plane. typing cuz i'm scared as shit. And if you know me? dont nothing scare me except for Menegitis and what I would do to the fool that messed with me. But this time is different. We have been delayed for two hours.. on the ground... The captain is Compulsively Honest. And its bad for my nerves.
So I give you:
Ten things a PILOT shouldn't be saying.
10.* We are currently at terror alert Orange.
Now I know that we are constantly hearing shit about Al Jada or who ever, but do you really feel the need to remind me of that shit ON the plane? Yes, We get it. Everybody hates Chris. But damned if I need to be reminded that 95% of the world wants 100% of America Dead today.
Now I'm here noticing shit I really don't care to notice. Like people conspicuously sweating as they are praying over their Holy Quran or Bible.
9.* We are just waiting for the Clean Bill Of Health
From who? Dr. Bombay? The Roter Rooter man? Just how accurate is this clean bill of health? Isnt this a little like taking off all of your clothes, sticking it in just a little and saying 'i'm waiting for my STD results...it should be good though." He said it takes ten minutes. Hell, the rapid test for HIV takes longer than that. PLEASE don't tell me the dude who signs the clean bill of health is anyting like my Cousin Cleophus who took a six month course and is now licensed to navigate Unidentified Flying Objects .
8.* Use the bathroom now because when we take off, it will be too dangerous
Fucker what? that makes me wanna shit right now! Now what exactly is the dangerous part? Walking down the aisle, or using the facilities? Will the toilet Flush UP or something? I dont need to hear the words "take off" and "dangerous" at the same time. Shit. There goes my bladder.
7. We are in the storm capital of the country. As soon as lightening strikes they shut the airport down.
So let's hurry up and board
* The storm WHAT? And what the fuck u mean hurry up? Are we trying to run a fast one by the Control Tower or The FAA? Either way, something aint right
6. The people we sent to look for the computer aren't answering back
* Wait. So the muthafunnies who you sent to the store room or lost and found or whatever to find a spare computer ain't answering their BBM's? What do you mean they dont have BlackBerry's? nah man. I dont wanna hear nothing about a Go Phone. Plus... Do you even trust what them fools have to say once they DO show up? "Umm yea, THIS one is good"
5. We are having electrical failure
* Too much Information.
4. We are trying to beat the weather system (storm) to the west - if we do, we'll be fine.
* Great. White man tryin to beat Nature is like a Black Man trying to beat the system. Just when you get close? It's not happening. You're going down. Just ask the Prez. And did he just say IF we beat the weather system. So, you're not even SURE? and this motherfucker trying to beat a storm...a motherfucking storm. Who are you man? Magneto? this aint X-Men man! This is my LIFE!
3. We are going to try to look for a new computer and then SWAP it out.
* I hear SWAP? I'm thinking 2 things. Swinger's party and sloppy rush job...and I don't see any progressive couples on here. Except for this indian girl and dreadlocked guy sitting in the row opposite of me. They look progressive, but I doubt they are going to be swapping right now. Thusly, hearing that the computer will be Swapped worries me
2. We have a vested interest in this - We don't get paid until we leave the ground.
* Ohhh. So THAT's why you dont mind taking off with a broken down plane. So u dont care about the safety of the lives hanging in balance hunh? Its your little 19.5k that you're worried about. You just wanna get the plane into the next city so you can bang Flight Attendant Frieda don't you? Gee, thanks Captain Bob. Fuck You!
1. Right now, You know as much as we do
Holy shit.